The Ex-Factor

Today is my ex's birthday. I am surprised that I remember, considering I haven't seen or heard from him in over ten years. I am talking about the man that broke my heart into a gazillion pieces; however, it is this heartbreak that led me to my husband.

I still remember the day we met. It was on a Sunday, and I was a freshman at NC State. I was doing laundry in our dorm's laundry room. I was sitting on top of the folding table when he walked in to dry his clothes. I had seen him around campus and thought he was cute, but I didn't think that he would ever "holla" at me (my self-esteem is nill). I was looking extra homely that day with a long t-shirt and some sweat pants. I don't even think that I had combed my hair that day--I pretty much woke up and did laundry. Needless to say, I looked a hot mess.

Anyway, he acknowledged me when he walked in (I was the only person in there), and then he did his business. Being a shy gal, I was trying hard not to make eye contact with him. It was when he was about to leave that he asked me if I would call him. He gave me his number, then proceeded to say that I wouldn't call him. That is when I told him that he could call me, and I gave him my number.

I don't remember who called who first, but somehow we started talking on the phone with each other. He was from the sticks, so I could barely understand a work he was saying behind his thick, country twang. I then proposed that I should come to his dorm room so that we may speak in person. Actually, going to a boy's dorm that I just met was not a good idea; but, for some reason, I trusted him.

So, off to his room I went to talk to him face-to face. We had a good conversation; however, it seemed to me that he was getting too personal. For instance, he talked about one of his dogs dying and almost started to cry. I thought that was kind of a weird thing to do in front of a person that he just met.

Some days later (or maybe it was the next day. I cannot totally remember. Like I stated earlier, it has been over ten years), fall break was upon us. I had a plane ticket to FL to see my friends and family during that time. I could not wait to tell my best friend, Alexis, about the guy I met some days earlier.

When I got back to NC, I called him and ended up going to his room, again. This time there was no convo--just a lot of lip-locking. His breath was horrendous. I wasn't ready to make out like that and was put off initially; however, I still kept coming over to his room. There was something about him that I just could not shake--or maybe I was just preoccupied with the idea of having a boyfriend since I had never had one before.

But, as it turned out, he wasn't looking for a "girlfriend,"just a fling.

Then, he finally told me that he had a kid who was born just a month before we met. If I had known that from the get-go I would have left him alone; however, he had told me a few months into the relationship when I already had feelings for him. I couldn't leave him then.

Ok, so as not to bore you with the details of our relationship let me just cut to the chase: he pretty much played me. He used his son, who stayed with his mother in my ex's hometown, as an excuse to not be in a serious relationship. He basically dumped me right after taking my virginity (I know, TMI...) when we were about to go home for the summer because he wasn't planning on visiting me during that time.

However, we still kept in touch over the summer. I had remained faithful to him, and I could only hope he had stayed faithful to me; but I don't know if he really did nor not because he was in his hometown with his son's mother.

We were excited to be reunited at the start of the new school year. Everything seemed to be going well...that is until another girl came into the picture. He claimed that they were "just friends," but they were awfully close. Then, he started becoming wishy-washy about our (non)relationship again because he was graduating that year, and he said that he was going back to his hometown and wasn't planning on coming back to Raleigh.

My breaking point was when I told me that he never loved me, and that he was only attracted to me. I was crushed, so much so that I landed myself in the hospital. When I was released I wrote him a long note stating my feelings, slid it under his door, and did not wait for a response. I had completely cut him off at that time.

He then started to call me again during the following summer. I tried to ignore him; but; toward the end of that summer, I broke and started talking to him again. This time, I kept my distance and tried to suppress the feelings that I had once felt for him.

He started saying things that he knew I wanted to hear. Deep down I hoped that we would get back together even though he lived more than an hour away. Then, the phone calls stopped, and I gave up on that hope.

Then I met Billyde. We went on our first date (my very first date ever, since my ex never took me out anywhere), and the rest is history.

It took me quite a few years to get over what my ex had done to me and to forgive him. He was emotionally abusive. Through some snooping I found out that he (possibly) married that girl that he was friendly with--I knew for a fact that they had at least lived together. I saw the girl a few years ago, and she made a point to tell me that they were together.

Through some more snooping (or Facebook stalking) I found out that they had broken up, and she married someone else. This was my release--my confirmation that the problem was not me, and that he was, indeed, 50 shades of cray.

I have since tried to get in touch with him--just to see how he is doing and show him that I was not the immature girl that he'd been with years ago--but I have not had any luck. His sister had friended me on Facebook (even though I have never even spoken to her in my life), and I thought I could get in contact with him through her. Either she hadn't given him my email address that I had sent to her, or he just doesn't care to contact me. I am fine with the latter. I de-friended her and thwarted by efforts to contact him.

It's kind of sad, really. I mean, he was a big part of my life, even if it were for a short time. He was my first...everything. I wish that we could have remained friends, but he made that impossible after I starting seeing Billyde. That's why I had to cut him off. However, I still harbor the hope that maybe one day our paths would cross and we will see each other again--just as friends.

Kadence's Story

My daughter, Kadence, turned five yesterday. I cannot believe that it was been five years since her birth! Most of you may not already know, but Kadence (or KK, for short), was not planned; however, she is a blessing nevertheless.

I found out that I was pregnant with her the summer after my P2 year in pharmacy school during Memorial Day weekend while on my Introduction to Hospital Pharmacy rotation. It was funny because before I found out I was sick most of the time and had really bad GERD. I knew something had to be wrong with me. I was working out regularly at that time, and the trigger for me to take a pregnancy test was when I became out of breath and could not keep up with my preceptor and a fellow pharmacy student from UNC-CH during an after-lunch walk on the hospital floor. I was embarrassed because I had just gotten done telling my preceptor that I ran every day. I know I was looking like a liar...

I also did not eat well during lunchtime while on this rotation because I was always so sick, and the hormones made me lose my appetite. All of the other pharmacists at the hospital were looking at me like I was crazy; but, I knew what was wrong with me by that time, and that's all that really mattered.

I finally found out on a Friday night, and I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. After all, I was unmarried, still in pharmacy school, and Billyde--my then boyfriend and now husband--was still in graduate school on the PhD track. What would my classmates think? How were we going to finish school?

Coincidentally, Billyde had ordered an engagement ring some time before we found out, and he let me know that night (way to kill the surprise, huh?). We were hoping to be married that summer before school started again; however, the Catholic Church made it hard. As a general rule, they require married couples to wait at least six months before getting married (it has to do with paperwork and formalities). The soonest the Church would let us marry was four and a half months after our engagement, or when I was seven and a half months pregnant; however, if we were going to get it done, we may as well have gotten it done the right way.

Anyway, the hard part of this news was breaking it to my mother, an ultra-conservative Catholic (I mean, her television stayed on Fox News or EWTN). I made Billyde come with me to tell her. To our surprise, she congratulated us and offered to pay for the wedding.

I finally broke the news to my preceptor because of the speculation regarding my eating habits, but what were we going to do about school?

After much consideration and trial and error, we decided that it would be best to stay with my mother when the baby was born for at least until I was done with my third year of classes. KK was born during the hardest year of my pharmacy school curriculum. Staying with my mom was one of the best decisions I had made in my life because I would never had been able to pass my classes and start my rotations on time without her help in watching our baby.

Being on rotation with an infant was hard, especially since she cried just about all the time and Billyde was doing the school thing as well, but I made it. I was still able to graduate on time, and with honors. I cannot believe that five years have passed, and my miracle baby--born in such a tumultuous time in our lives--will be starting kindergarten this year. She may get on my nerves most of the time, but she is still my pookin-poo, and I love her to death.

My Weight Loss Journey (Part One)

I have never had a problem with my weight--until now.

It's not like I am morbidly obese or anything, but I am overweight for my height (according to my BMI).

I was always a skinny child with chicken legs and a pot belly. That was just how I was built. My slenderness stayed with me all through high school. I did gain some weight in college, but not too much. It was during my P2 year in pharmacy school that I had gained a significant amount of weight. I didn't realize how heavy I had actually gotten until I had to go up four dress sizes to fit into a dress for my school's annual Apothecary Ball that winter.

That increase in size was a huge wake-up call for me. It prompted me to get my butt into gear, eat healthier and exercise regularly. By the time summer rolled around, I was down to my goal weight. Then, I found out I was pregnant.

I had gained 41 pounds with my daughter. With diet, exercise, and breastfeeding I was able to lose all of the weight and then some in about six months. When I finished school and started working I gained about 15 pounds; however, I was still a good size.

Then, I became pregnant again.

I do not remember how much I gained with my son, but it sure has been hard to get rid of. I only breastfed him for one month because I had to get back on some medication (I had postpartum depression) that was contraindicated in lactation; therefore, the weight did not fall off like it did after I had my daughter. I tried everything--diet, exercise, hCG and lipotropic shots--and still haven't managed to lose any weight. As a matter of fact, I've gained some weight.

So, I gave up.

I stopped working out and ate whatever I wanted for a few months. It felt good not having to watch my weight for a while, but I was still unhappy with my body. Something had to be done...

As of two weeks ago, I joined Weight Watchers, and I am already seeing results. I also bought a treadmill so that I can work out in the mornings before I go to work. I am just too tired after work to go to the gym at that time.

I am hoping to lose a total of 50 pounds. I hope that my efforts will work this time around. Wish me luck...

A Chicken Sandwich with a Side of Hate?

In case you have been living under a rock for the last few weeks, there is this huge controversy concerning Chick-Fil-A in which Dan Cathy, president of the company and son of the founder and CEO Truett Cathy, has stated that he was "guilty as charged" when it comes to the support of family and marriage in the biblical sense. This has LGBT people and their supporters up-in-arms over the huge issue.

I'll admit it: at first, I was kinda like, "So...what is the big deal? I'm in support of the traditional family (as I am in one), and that doesn't make me bigoted. Everyone is entitled to their opinion."

Then, I found this out that they had been giving money to pro-traditional family groups, and I was like, "Ok..."

Then, I found out one of those groups is a certified anti-gay hate group under the Southern Poverty Law Center, and I was like, "Oh, no!"

That's right: the Family Research Council (FRC) preaches that gays are pedophiles and that homosexuality should be made illegal and gays should be exported out of the U.S. They use false claims against homosexuals in order to keep them from claiming equal rights, much like what was done to African Americans after the Civil War through the Civil Rights era.

I used go to Chick-Fil-A very often; however, I will no longer be frequenting an establishment that supports an organization with such an ignorant and intolerant ideology.

NFL Player Commits Suicide

O.J. Murdock, receiver for the Tennessee Titans, reportedly died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound in Tampa, FL this morning. He was discovered in his car and taken to the hospital in critical condition, where he was later pronounced dead at 10:43 am.

Murdock signed with the Titans last year as an undrafted free agent, but spent the entire season on the injured reserve list after injuring his Achilles tendon during training.

Murdock's agent said that Murdock was excited about his opportunities when he last spoke to him a week and a half ago. This goes to show that you can never know what is really going on in a person's life: a person may seem ok on the outside, but may be miserable on the inside. Murdock chose to deal--or not deal--with his misery by ending his life.

No one really knows what prompted Murdock to commit suicide, but anyone who is in a bad place in their lives should know that there is always a way out--not by killing yourself, however. Things will get worse before they get better, but know that it will get better.

No one should feel the despair that Murdock felt--the despair that made him feel that he needed to die. I feel for his family and friends. May he rest in peace.

Bullying: Part II

There is a viral video of a bus monitor for a school in NY being verbally abused by a group of adolescent boys that she was watching during a bus ride home, and it is heart-breaking. This goes to show that bullying doesn't just happen to adolescents. There are also adults that bully other adults: I was bullied by my former boss while working at my first job out of pharmacy school.

Adults also may bully other children: I was bullied by my 5th-grade teacher.

As horrible as it is, bullying will always exist as long as there are crazy people in this world...

Field Stones: The Interview

I was eating lunch at Panera Bread where I sat near two guys: one was dressed-up, the other was in casual attire. The casual guy talked the whole time, mostly about himself. As I was listening to their conversation, it was apparent that it was a job interview, and the casual guy was the owner of a restaurant. He had what looked like the other guy's resume on the table. I thought to myself: What an odd place to have an interview, since it was in such a public and loud place. The casual guy, who kept talking the whole entire time, wouldn't let the other guy talk; and then, when the other guy tried to answer his questions, he kept interrupting him. I wanted to tell the other guy, "He is talking too much, and that's a red flag. Do not work for him."